Shadi ke Pehle aur Baad me

Shadi ke pehle maine pyar kiya.
Shadi ke baad ye maine kya kiya?
Shadi ke pehle Dil to Pagal Hai.
Shadi ke baad dil to pahal tha!

Wife ko begum

Wife ko begum kyon kehte hai?
Ans: Kyonki shadi ke baad sare gum to husband
se hisse mein aate hai,
aur biwi Be-Gum ho jai Hai!!!

Roles of Man in Life

Different roles of Man in life:
Sagai ke samay superman,
Shadi ke samay Gentleman,
10 saal baad watchman,
20 saal baad Doberman.

Marriage Broker & Wife

Marriage Broker: Tumhe kaisi biwi chahiye?
Man: Mujhe chand jaisi biwi chahiye,
jo raat ko aaye aur subha chali jaye!

Who is Wife

Biwi vo hoti hai jo,
Shaadi ke baad apne pati baad apne
pati kisari aadadto
kobadal deti hai,
aur baad me kehti hai ki,
“aap pehle jaise nahi rahe”.

Husband’s Feeling

Husband wife ki godh mein leta hua thaa.
Wife: Kaisa lag raha hai ji?
Husband: Aise jaise Bhagwan Vishnu shesh naag ki Godh mein lete hon.

Wife’s Question

Wife: kyon jab main moti hojaaungi,tab bhi tum mujhe aise hi pyaar karoge?
Husband: bilkul nahin, maine sirf such dukh main saath dene ka vaada kiya tha.

Theft in a House

pati: Ghar ka saara keemti samaan kahin chhupa kar rakh do, padosi aa rahe hain.
patni: Kyonji ! kya Aapke dost chura lenge?
pati: are Nahin, who apna saaman pehchaan lenge.

Husband’s Question

Pati: mere mrne ke baad tumhe mere jaisa doosra aadmi nahin milega.
Patni: tumhe kisne keh diya, ki main doosra aadmi tumhare jaisa chahti hoon.

Effect of Wife

Sagai Hui… Shadi Hui…
Biwi Ghar Mein Aayi…
Ghar Swarg Ban Gaya…
Aur main “Swargwasi”…

Husband Wife College

Wife: College ke bare me tumhara koi bura anubhav hai?
Husband: Han, Tumhari aur meri paheli mulakat college me he to hui thi.

Husband Wife

Husband: main jeevan main aaj jo kuch bhi bana hoon,apne aap bana hoon.
Wife: lo, main aaj tak bekar hi bhagwaan ko kosti rahi.

Wife’s question on Gift

Wife: Shadi ke pehle to tum mujhe rof gift diya karte they, ab kyun nahi dete?
Husband: Machhali pakdne ke baad bhi kya koi chara dalta hai!

Wife’s Bank Account

Pati: main tumhare saath kuch bhi share kar sakta hu.
Patni: chalo phir bank account se start karte hain.

Beggar, Wife and Husband

A beggar- ‘Oh sundari ! Andha hoon.
Sawa paanch rupya de de..
“Husband said 2 his wife- De de, tujhe
sundari bola hai to har haal mein andha hai”

Wife’s Death

Wife: Ma bachungi nahi, Marr jaongi…
Husband: Mein bhi Marr jaon ga!
Wife: Mein to Bimaar hoon isleya marr jaungi tum kyon maro gaye?
Husband: Mein itni Khushi Bardasht nahi kar sakta!

Wife’s Last Wish

Ek makeup sacheton lady ne mritu kaal par uski pati se daka.
Pati:bolo tumhara antim issa keya hai?
Patni:mere marne ke bad meri sundar tasbir akhbar pe chapne par mere age math likhna.
Pati:kiun?
Patni:kiun ki log ye jan jayega ke meine budhi ho gaya tha.

Wife & Saali

What is the difference between wife & saali?
Saali is Beauty,
Wife is duty,
Saali is passion,
Wife is tension,
Saali is patakha,
Wife is sayapa,
Saali is cool,
Wife is fool,
Saali is tuty-fruity,
Wife is qismat futi, Saali is fresh cake,
Wife is earth quake…

Letter S

Hum ne zindagi ki shuruaaat ‘S’ se ki.
S se Suraj, S se Subah, S se Swagat, S se saaz, S se Sangeet.
Par Fir ‘S’ se Samay ne aisi karwat badli Ki ‘S’ se hamari Shadi ho gai.
Aur fir jeevan ka arth ‘S’ se Saans,
Sasural, Sala, Sali, Sasur aur ‘Sankat’ ho gaya.

Angry Girlfriend

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.”

My Army Men are Brave

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: “So how are your men?”

“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.”

“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”

“I’d like to see that.”

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”

Discuss Track Types

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Marine said “those are deer tracks.”

The second Marine said “No, those are elk tracks.”

The third Marine said “You’re both wrong, those are moose tracks.”

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

Requesting a 3 Day Pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”

“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”

Talking to the General

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”

Commanding Dumb Army Man

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh sir?”

Indian Chief Signal

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!” The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back – once again, with the smoke:

“OK, chief, but why so much ?”

At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky… The tribe signals:

“Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?”

True Story of Los Angeles

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to “cover” him as he approched the store (to police, “cover” means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, “They’re shooting at me!”.

New Recruits in Army

Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting

8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles

7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?

6. Get rid of all those creepy “Richard Simmons Wants You” posters

5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day

4. Superiors may now be addressed as “Dude”

3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center

2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island

1. New slogan “Army of One” replaces “Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!”

High Military Ranks

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

“That’s the only way to command respect in the Army,” his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

“Show me a sergeant and I’ll show you a dope,” Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

“I am a sergeant!” he bellowed.

“I am a dope,” whispered Reggie.

His Military Etiquette

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again.

Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

What is ur Excuse?

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

Physical Training Job

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

“I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle,” he explained. “Now begin!”

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

“Why did you stop. Smith?” demanded the officer.

“If you please, sir,” said Smith, “I’m freewheeling for a while.”

Young Naval Student

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”

“Throw out an anchor, sir,” the student replied.

“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”

“Throw out another anchor, sir.”

“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?” asked the captain.

“Throw out another anchor, sir.”

“Hold on,” said the captain. “Where are you getting all those anchors from?”

“From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir.”

Low Self-esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”

Loud, mad, or sad

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked,
“How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. “What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I, uh,” she stammered. “I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.”

“I see,” he said. “I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.”

“That’s not bad,” she replied. “How much for all night?”

Emotional Extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,”
said the professor to the student from Arkansas,

“What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” said she.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

Mental Hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.

“Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. Haroldson replied. “I hung him up to dry.”

Ugly Person Illness

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said,
“Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?”

“I’m sure I can.” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.”

Scared sleeping

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever

come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

Crazy People Talk

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2′s face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself”

Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”

Solving a Problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
“Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

Finish the Start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

Feel Better Now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!”

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”

Psychiatrist Phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don’t press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

You are a Chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”

The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”

“Two years,” says the man.

“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”

I often feel guilty

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded.
“It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward!”

Upset is Unhealthy

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”

“Yes,” the boy’s mother answered.

“And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked.

“Who cares?” the mother replied.

Passing an Exam

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

–